Letting go of my perfectionism.
“it’s not about how broken you are, it’s about what you choose to do with the pieces “
-chiziyara woka
In the past few weeks, I’ve had to fight a battle, one filled with a lot of pain and tears.
And if I’m honest, thoughts of how things could have gone if I did this or that differently or if I was a different person.
I lost a close friend (no, he didn’t die; we just fell out) and the pain has been unbearable.
Unbearable as it was, I tried to heal and move on.
But it seemed far out of reach and no matter how hard I tried, it just got worse.
After a lot of self-reflection, I realized the pain was in layers and there was something beneath it all I hadn’t figured out.
I realized it wasn’t necessarily the loss of a friendship I was mourning, (even though it was a part of it) it was more so my perfectionism eating at me.
How? you ask
I’ll gladly explain
In my head, my ideal is perfect. She has no flaws. She’s pretty and feminine, peaceful, loving, and ambitious. Her heart is innocent and completely naïve
She also goes through life without mistakes. My ideal was the perfect Disney princess, just with a degree and some cash.
The biggest characteristic for me was being innocent and naïve, an actual damsel in the distress. I wanted to be an adult, but make no adulting mistakes, you know? I wanted to make it to the other side of my adulthood, with all the wisdom but none of the experiences. (silly I know )
Anyway, this relationship and the pain of its eventual demise meant I was no longer naïve. I would learn from my mistakes and be more discerning in the future.
And as a result, I would not be Cinderella anymore. I would not be a damsel in the distress that needs to be saved from life.
Sounds silly as write it, but at the time this caused me pain because I truly had attached my worth to my perfection. For me, as long as I was perfect and made no mistakes, I was worthy.
For weeks, I said a lot of hurtful stuff to myself.
I begged God to make things turn out differently so I’ll be perfect and then worthy until one day it hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized;
“You are not worthy because you are unbroken, you are worthy because you are you.” Just like that, no extras, no add-ons, nothing. You are worthy as you are.
I know, cliché. right? But stay with me for a bit and just think.
Here’s an analogy:
Imagine I’m holding a $100 bill. Do you want it?
I’m guessing yes, right?
Now imagine I’ve squeezed the $100 bill; do you still want it? I’ll go with a yes.
I’ve stepped on it after squeezing it. Do you still want it? I’m guessing yes
But why do you want it after all it has been through? Because it’s a $100 bill, right?
Now think about the most valuable people in your life, the people you love. Ask yourself why you love them?
Because they are perfect? Or because they are relatable?
Which of them are you most likely to turn to when shit hits the fan?
The people who’ve made mistakes and are relatable or the ones who are perfect and seem out of touch with reality?
If we are being honest, it’s the people who have made mistakes and have learned from their mistakes that you want to talk to.
It’s those people you turn to for comfort when things get rough.
It’s the people who have been broken and done a good job of creating a better them from their pieces that you find peace with.
Why? Because in our scars lie our experiences, and in our unique experiences, lie our wisdom and in that shared pain, lies the feeling that you are not alone.
Here’s another analogy:
In Japanese homes, they have a beautiful practice of fixing broken dishes.
When dishes break, they take the pieces and put them back together using gold liquid. Making it not just a plate or mug or whatever dish but one with gold in its cracks.
So, when you look at it, you don’t see the cracks; you see the gold.
If you were a guest at that house, which would you prefer? An ordinary dish or the dish pieced together with gold.
I’m guessing the dish pieced back with gold.
And this is what experiences make us, valuable people with gold in our cracks.
So, let go of your perfectionism, of your need to get it right, be okay with your mistakes and do the work to learn the lesson it was trying to teach you.
Realize that this is your first time being alive, so stop acting like you’ve been here before and give yourself some grace.
Until next time, love you guys.
Kisses.